oh, my

What a time I am having.

I myself really have no idea what I have and have not done in the past days, because I’ve let go of expectations, and am simply responding as responsibly and promptly to each stimulus and request as possible. I am trying to meet everything in real time, so that there is no carryover, no atomic decay, no debris around me. I am keeping my wooden floors swept and dusted; it’s the same idea.

I visualize myself like a conducting medium, a plasma. I move around Boston in my body (which is a wonderful, strong body and I am extremely grateful to have such a nice one to live in) but I feel as if I am everywhere at once, very alive. The faces of the people that I know are very clear to me, and I can call them up at will with my new and greatly prized videodetic memory (yes I made that word up) and watch little films of them talking, laughing. I can run film of almost anything now.

I am loving my subscription to the Van Gogh art of the day on Facebook. I see new work all of the time; pieces I never dreamed existed- they are in private collections, obscure museums. This one would be something to do if I ever find myself in Cleveland Ohio, which I do not expect will happen to me. But if it did, I would go see this, at the Cleveland Museum of Art. It was painted in 1889, and is called The Poplars at St. Remy.

The Poplars at Saint-Remy Van Gogh Oct 1889

I don’t understand the things that have happened in my head in the past year. I can only describe the sensations, the pleasure at having new capabilities; I expected to decline slowly in every way as the years stacked up, but never dreamed that I would continue to expand. That was silly of me, I see now. I can see that I have spent too much time listening to established wisdom; this is amusing if you know me, because you think, I’m sure, that I never listen to anyone. True, and not true.

Yesterday we had a thrill of a lifetime, all four of us – we went for a ride on the USS Constitution, where Bri is serving, and she was up on the fore top again, aloft for the whole journey. So exciting. I’ll post the photos from the day in a separate thread, so I can share it far and wide without all of my thoughts swirling around them, confusing others.

I tried to sum up how I felt last night, in a small Facebook post, that said, basically, that all of my dreams have come true, in spite of however short I have sometimes fallen. I can see that all I need to do is to do my best; everything will follow that and will be beautiful, even if I am not perfect. As long as I have done my best. That is a freeing feeling; it gives me both a sense of responsibility and also a sense of being cared for by and being part of a benevolent collective. The more I contribute that is positive, the more opportunities I will have.

Sailor Bri in harness

Bri in climbing harness, ready to go up the fore mast. In the background, assorted McKinnons, Evan, Bill and Liam.

As Bri explained to Liam last night, if she comes out at the top of her class, she gets first pick of assignments. It’s simple. And the best way to come out on top is just to work hard, and help others. There isn’t any need to step on them; excellence isn’t at the top of a ladder, it’s a personal experience. People get the idea that they have to get literally above others, when really all they have to do is be their best.

The important thing for me now is to see the possibilities; a bit of passiveness helps with that. I feel as if I am in a sea of Everything, and I am trying to be quiet, and handle my basic responsibilities, as I let opportunities and ideas swirl around me. When I see one that is right for me, I am not passive. But I needn’t engage with everything around me. I can see that now. I am quieter, smaller, closer to the skin.

Happy.

Rainbows off of the Fire Boat

Rainbows off of the Fire Boat, from the deck of the USS Constitution during her final Underway before dry-docking, October 17, 2014.

6 thoughts on “oh, my

  1. “It’s simple. And the best way to come out on top is just to work hard, and help others. There isn’t any need to step on them; excellence isn’t at the top of a ladder, it’s a personal experience. People get the idea that they have to get literally above others, when really all they have to do is be their best.” May I quote you on that?

  2. I agree with you 100% …. It is all about being the best you can be and kindness to each other. You are younger than I am ….. And my greatest joy is finally seeing what we reaped …. All three chose different paths, but they are amazing in how they handle their lives … Often so much more mature than i am today. I could leave this earth tonight and know i did well raising them … They are strong, amazing and very thoughtful women and i am so proud of each one.

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