dawn thoughts

Left to my own devices, left to default to my natural rhythms, I almost always get up just before the dawn. I enjoy it. I like the feeling of having a jump on things.

The male Cooper’s hawk that hunts in my yard was up as early as I was today; this is unusual. He must be hungry. Miss Fish has been unsettled by God knows what, and spent most of the first hours of this day acting like a complete freak. She is currently under my bed, and seems to plan to spend the day under there. Simon says, and I quote, “whatever. ”

I’d worry if both cats were upset, I’d try to figure out what was going on.

photo from photobunt

Me, I’m feeling better. Not well, but definitely better. I’m going to stay in bed, but I’m encouraged. I got a great night’s sleep. This is partly because the nights are cold enough now to make the kind of nest I like to sleep in- a fluff of soft covers and comforter, six pillows. Summers are so hot here that I sleep naked, with just a sheet, and I never go as deep into dreamland as I can from my winter nest.

I’ve been thinking about so many things. I normally think a lot, you know, it’s who I am, I have a very busy mind. It’s not always a focused mind- my brain is skitty and could be thinking about anything- not necessarily making headway on big stuff. I’m deeply interested in small details and things that don’t fit, and not particularly concerned about the nature of the universe.

I’ve spent my entire life taking in data, running some giant, uncoordinated experiment on living outside the lines, on trying to get into people’s heads, trying to sort out the unfathomable gulfs between what people say, what they do, and what they really mean. I’ve annoyed entire fields of people by trying to understand why they do things that don’t make sense, or suggesting cleaner ways of getting results. As David Byrne says, “there’s a million ways to get things done.”

Frankly, I see inefficiency and stupid things all around me. And people just walk by them. Like how we continue to rely on costly, noxious, expensive and elderly city sewer systems, instead of developing and installing space-age composting toilets into everyone’s home at government expense. What a savings it would be for everyone; a savings of water, power, contamination and money. But people are prudish and not forward-thinking, and don’t want to deal with their own excrement, so as a society we have this giant, cumbersome, wasteful system that we all pay and pay and pay and pay for. Just so fussy people won’t have to empty a little box of clean dirt once a month.

It’s an example of a bad system that absolutely no one ever seriously thinks about retooling. People aren’t really very thoughtful, and they certainly don’t like change.

I think I’ve had enough.

Enough of almost everything. I’ve had a fantastic life, packed full, I’ve had huge amounts of love, experience, life, you name it. I’ve lived more life than my years add up to. I’ve birthed three astonishing children and had an incredible marriage, I’ve put out a nice body of work and I’ve taken in huge truckloads of information. It’s time for the delivery phase of my life- time to run cleanup on my own self and get ready to go.

What does that mean? I don’t know, I’ll have to wait to find out also.

But what I am going to DO, that I can answer.

I’m going to finish my book. And I’m going to lovingly turn that book into a living e-book, something that will most certainly outlast me.

And then I’m going up a tree. I’m not going to teach or give talks anymore, or do anything else that puts myself forward. I’m just going to make things and write. One thing I know for certain about myself is that I don’t hunger for fame, fortune, or power over others. Even the stepped up exposure of the creation of the current book has pushed the envelope for me, and been too much exposure. I love the result, and it’s been worth every second of being “out there,” but it’s not the future for me. I just want to be small, very small, and happy, very happy, and be let alone to think.

I’ve thought about what I love, and what I don’t, and I know that I would rather live in one small room and be free than to have any wealth on Earth. I don’t grasp why people want to be famous. It’s a mystery to me, and to be honest I find it… distasteful.

Maybe when I get to the point where I zero out, where what I take is equal to or less than what I give, I will dissolve, cancel out, cease to exist. I feel pretty shimmery now, ethereal, not exactly slotted into the common reality, the mass delusion. (It isn’t just fever. I’m not that sick anymore.) Acupuncture has buttoned my personality together; instead of being a compound being, I am now a single shimmering force. I’m stronger than I have ever been, smaller, cleaner, tighter.

I find that I don’t fit anymore… not just into my clothes but into this world.

I might have five minutes left in this form or 50 years, I can’t really say. Honestly, as much as I have enjoyed and continue to enjoy my life, I would prefer something closer to the former than the latter. Like a teenager, I have no interest in being elderly. Absolutely none. I’m only in the game while I’m strong and independent. Whatever time I have left, I’m going to use it to deliver, instead of accumulate.

And ideally, when I leave, I’ll leave behind me a legacy of love, one neat little room full of fabulous things, and a body of work that I can be proud of.

And nothing else.

It’s going to take a lot more work. Stripping down is much harder than building up.

But I think I can do it.

16 thoughts on “dawn thoughts

  1. We part the veil on our killer sun
    Stray from the straight line on this short run
    The more we take the less we become
    The fortune of one man means much less for some…..
    Every time I hear this song, I think of you….
    Thank you for being you

  2. I’ve tried so much, without success, to fit into this world and can only say now that I am thankful for the non-success. I am grateful for it, because it allowed me to find my own self back before the end of my life… I love your light. It echoed my light, which made me feel happy and still does. Thank you for shining, for being so true to yourself. I hope you’ll continue to shine and sparkle for a little while… Maybe a few more peeps will discover how much they don’t fit to this world either just reading or seeing you… I believe that this world will change, but only after a very big mess – big messes are the only things that makes peeps change direction… Hubby is less optimistical.
    He says he never wanted to ‘come back’ on this earth. I am just happy to be with him and still need to learn more… We must be strangers…
    ps I know a few nice tree-houses here… But I am sure your own tree will be what is best for you…

  3. Stripping down is much harder than building up. Wow. I’m going to write that down in my meditation journal and see where it takes me. Thanks, Kate.

  4. I went to therapy for a while exactly for this reason. I don’t fit in much. My therapist was fabulous and reassured me that it was my right to expect better and demand better. I fit better now that I am 50+. I have changed my circle of friends, I am more honest in my relationships and finally, finally am learning to say no, and sometimes “Fuck off with your shit”. Letting go of “stuff” whether physical or emotional is key. One of the reasons I follow your blog Kate, and a few others I have found through you is because you are the kind of different that I identify with. We don’t know each other and the internet can offer a kind of intimacy that is nice but not real, as we may not like each other much if we ever met. Your musings and observations ring true to me. There seems to be an integrity to what you say, although sometimes you scare me with your willingness to be out there telling us all. If all the thoughtful people who don’t fit in got together the power of it would rock the world off its axis.

    • What have I ever said that scared you? Just curious. People say things like that and honestly, I have no idea what you mean.

      I’m quite comfortable with being different. I wouldn’t trade places with anyone, not for the world.
      What I am looking forward to is FINALLY being able to become small small small.

      It’s finally attainable…. so sweet.

  5. Plus, it is so nice to know that there is intelligent life out there !! Thank god there are some of us.

  6. Dear Cath: Yes you can, please correct the grammatical error , should be its, not it’s. My spelling and grammar has gone to hell in a hand basket lately. I think language is wonderful and my hashing it up causes me distress !! ; ).

  7. Kate: It is that you are so forthcoming with your thoughts and opinions, and because it is all online and I don’t know you and we haven’t had a conversation what you say is in a vacuum with only the context I have gleaned from your blog and the facebook page for the book. I would love to have a conversation or thousand with you. Some of your observations and thoughts have background that is unknown to most of us and although it is all fantastic the scary stuff comes from out of the blue to the internet community without the context, AND you put your heart and soul out there for all to see. Guts my girl, guts. Love it.

    • What is scary? I really don’t have the slightest idea what sort of thing you find frightening about what I say. I’m quite straightforward, really, most of my writing is just stream of consciousness.

      What “scary stuff?” You some kinda tender vittle?

  8. I’ll think about what stuff you say is scary and let you know. Likely it is things that I personally would like more context for, or should think about a little more before I get to scary. I am actually a bit of a “tender vittle”. I am extremely empathetic and kind, although that doesn’t always translate to my interactions. So dear Kate have a lovely night and beautiful dreams. I am co-opting the “tender vittle” title. I love that.

    • Yes, and please don’t get hung up on anything I say. As you say, since you don’t know me, you can only absorb and move on. This is my personal diary; a record of my life I keep for myself. I don’t catch people up, but the blog stretches back almost 20 years. Amazingly. I started when the Internets were some sticks and a string.

      Some people have been reading all along, which is kind of a stunning thing.
      Who knows, someone may unlurk and confirm.
      ; )

  9. Thank you ALL so very much. You’ve done the hard work that I was unable to do. And now I understand me. In many ways, I’m like you, but I couldn’t have know it without your explanations. Thank you from the deepest parts of me. These fine words and thoughts need to be in a book so more peeps would have access. What is more than THANK YOU? Thats what I send!

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