Left to my own devices, left to default to my natural rhythms, I almost always get up just before the dawn. I enjoy it. I like the feeling of having a jump on things.
The male Cooper’s hawk that hunts in my yard was up as early as I was today; this is unusual. He must be hungry. Miss Fish has been unsettled by God knows what, and spent most of the first hours of this day acting like a complete freak. She is currently under my bed, and seems to plan to spend the day under there. Simon says, and I quote, “whatever. ”
I’d worry if both cats were upset, I’d try to figure out what was going on.photo from photobunt
Me, I’m feeling better. Not well, but definitely better. I’m going to stay in bed, but I’m encouraged. I got a great night’s sleep. This is partly because the nights are cold enough now to make the kind of nest I like to sleep in- a fluff of soft covers and comforter, six pillows. Summers are so hot here that I sleep naked, with just a sheet, and I never go as deep into dreamland as I can from my winter nest.
I’ve been thinking about so many things. I normally think a lot, you know, it’s who I am, I have a very busy mind. It’s not always a focused mind- my brain is skitty and could be thinking about anything- not necessarily making headway on big stuff. I’m deeply interested in small details and things that don’t fit, and not particularly concerned about the nature of the universe.
I’ve spent my entire life taking in data, running some giant, uncoordinated experiment on living outside the lines, on trying to get into people’s heads, trying to sort out the unfathomable gulfs between what people say, what they do, and what they really mean. I’ve annoyed entire fields of people by trying to understand why they do things that don’t make sense, or suggesting cleaner ways of getting results. As David Byrne says, “there’s a million ways to get things done.”
Frankly, I see inefficiency and stupid things all around me. And people just walk by them. Like how we continue to rely on costly, noxious, expensive and elderly city sewer systems, instead of developing and installing space-age composting toilets into everyone’s home at government expense. What a savings it would be for everyone; a savings of water, power, contamination and money. But people are prudish and not forward-thinking, and don’t want to deal with their own excrement, so as a society we have this giant, cumbersome, wasteful system that we all pay and pay and pay and pay for. Just so fussy people won’t have to empty a little box of clean dirt once a month.
It’s an example of a bad system that absolutely no one ever seriously thinks about retooling. People aren’t really very thoughtful, and they certainly don’t like change.
I think I’ve had enough.
Enough of almost everything. I’ve had a fantastic life, packed full, I’ve had huge amounts of love, experience, life, you name it. I’ve lived more life than my years add up to. I’ve birthed three astonishing children and had an incredible marriage, I’ve put out a nice body of work and I’ve taken in huge truckloads of information. It’s time for the delivery phase of my life- time to run cleanup on my own self and get ready to go.
What does that mean? I don’t know, I’ll have to wait to find out also.
But what I am going to DO, that I can answer.
I’m going to finish my book. And I’m going to lovingly turn that book into a living e-book, something that will most certainly outlast me.
And then I’m going up a tree. I’m not going to teach or give talks anymore, or do anything else that puts myself forward. I’m just going to make things and write. One thing I know for certain about myself is that I don’t hunger for fame, fortune, or power over others. Even the stepped up exposure of the creation of the current book has pushed the envelope for me, and been too much exposure. I love the result, and it’s been worth every second of being “out there,” but it’s not the future for me. I just want to be small, very small, and happy, very happy, and be let alone to think.
I’ve thought about what I love, and what I don’t, and I know that I would rather live in one small room and be free than to have any wealth on Earth. I don’t grasp why people want to be famous. It’s a mystery to me, and to be honest I find it… distasteful.
Maybe when I get to the point where I zero out, where what I take is equal to or less than what I give, I will dissolve, cancel out, cease to exist. I feel pretty shimmery now, ethereal, not exactly slotted into the common reality, the mass delusion. (It isn’t just fever. I’m not that sick anymore.) Acupuncture has buttoned my personality together; instead of being a compound being, I am now a single shimmering force. I’m stronger than I have ever been, smaller, cleaner, tighter.
I find that I don’t fit anymore… not just into my clothes but into this world.
I might have five minutes left in this form or 50 years, I can’t really say. Honestly, as much as I have enjoyed and continue to enjoy my life, I would prefer something closer to the former than the latter. Like a teenager, I have no interest in being elderly. Absolutely none. I’m only in the game while I’m strong and independent. Whatever time I have left, I’m going to use it to deliver, instead of accumulate.
And ideally, when I leave, I’ll leave behind me a legacy of love, one neat little room full of fabulous things, and a body of work that I can be proud of.
And nothing else.
It’s going to take a lot more work. Stripping down is much harder than building up.
But I think I can do it.