I hope I get my Pen back from Olympus in time to take it to Paris. I was going to leave it at home, in a bold break with sense and reality, and only take my IPhone, but there are so many things that the Pen can do better, and every time I catch a glimpse of my own blog header or Facebook page, with the photo of me holding it in Paris, I find myself missing it badly, like a lost finger. I sent it in for a good cleaning, and just told them, so they wouldn’t get judgy, “it has been on safari.” End of story. And really, my life is much like safari. It was just a word to stop a conversation, but as it turned out, a good one.
I am a swirly cone of mixed feelings, dotted with sparkly points of excitement like Pop Rocks. When I went in to see Larry yesterday, he said, “how are you feeling?” and I said “overexcited.” But that doesn’t really describe it. It’s more like my skin can barely contain me. One of the things that I have noticed when I am in his studio is that now that things are really moving in my body, I can feel the energy rushing around my skin, my self, coursing through the intersections. If I move my head in subtle circles (so small you can’t even see them) I can direct it, I can swirl it around and out, or, shockingly, I can run it down to my feet and let it rocket back up to my head and down again. I say “shockingly” because I have bumped backwards into the Kundalini; it is… well.. powerful. And sexual.
Sexuality is no stranger to my life; I have always put it at the core of my being. But this force expresses in a way that charges my body, sure, but isn’t so much about banging the guy in the next chair- it’s more about creation, fecundity, birth, idea, generative force… I can see it now as the equal and the balance to destructive force; I can understand from inside how they are not necessarily different.
I take out my Shiva (?) lunchbox, and stare at it.
(Update- Allison says this is likely Lakshmi, beloved of Ganesh… I am a rotten journalist, you know, but I mean well.)
Students who study this sort of energy (kundalini yoga, for example) are cautioned not to take it lightly; it can be overwhelming to people who aren’t ready for it, or who want to use it to dominate others. Teachers advise getting a grip on one’s moral life before beginning to find and channel this force.
All I can say is… Lord. I know very little, but maybe I don’t need to.
I understand why it is easier for people to place this in religious context, but that isn’t really who I am. I haven’t the slightest interest in religious thought of any kind; if you know me, you know this. Being good has got to be enough. And right now, it’s taking all of my time and focus, because it is a newish pursuit.
Anyway, these are all old ideas, commonplace even. As I read about my lunchbox (or not my lunchbox, as the case may be) I see:
The dance of Shiva is the destruction of all patterns of being that are chaotic, that are not harmonious… it represents the evolution of cosmic consciousness. This can only take place as the ego (and its suppressed fear) is transmuted through love.
Maybe my lunchbox is enough.