take me down

So tonight I went to acupuncture, as I have done twice a week now for more than a month. It’s been very… reducing. A lot of ephemera has gone away, and unexpectedly with it went the physical cells in which it lurked. When emotional clutter drops the cloak of matter, there is only energy left, and it leaves me, and I am literally physically smaller. I am ten pounds lighter than when I started, and every pound of it was mental baggage that had become physical, weighing me down. Matter is a simple default for energy that has had a C² cat bed made up for it in a human body.

The small amount of weight (~7g) that disappears from the body at death must be something similar; matter uncloaking as energy. Simple yet inexplicable. Like Gauss said, I have my results, but cannot as yet arrive at them. Unlike Gauss, I am under no obligation to try.


Shapes!

I can’t get enough of the view inside, but I find I’m not really that interested in specifics.

it sounds silly, but I’m frankly not very interested in myself anymore, and I am even less interested in exploring the whys of the things that have happened to me. Who cares why? My life isn’t full of big questions, anyway. I just want to pay attention to the present.  The inner view I am actually enjoying is one of space. Clear space. Plenty of room to hold people close. Acres of room. I think about Bill. About my children. About the way the warmth feels on my skin, about the way a peach tastes, about how it feels when someone is cruel to me; about how it must feel when I am thoughtless to others.

I put Bryan Ferry on again tonight during the session, like I often do anytime there is a lot of mental or physical work to do. He sings my body electric, he sweeps out the rubble I have put by the doors. I allow his voice to probe the corners of my rooms, to sing out the chimeras, the shadows, the doubts, the dust of the alias copies of any old L.O.G.s  lying around pretending to be real.

Tonight I said, “Larry, remember that night you said you were going to ‘take off a layer’? Do it again, take me down.” He smiled, and said “Sure,” and that’s what we did. As the needles went in, I felt my body sparkling with life; first on one side, and then the other. When they were all in, he said, “You seem like a person at the top of a rollercoaster.”

And I was off, my body and mind sparking, my cells dancing, aligning, sorting, and best of all, making space. I looked up an hour and a half later, and there he was, smiling gently at me, saying, “OK?”

10 thoughts on “take me down

  1. Kate, this is so fascinating and wonderful to read! Now I wonder…. what would you say your main feeling is as you go about your days now that you’ve come this far with the acupuncture? Do you know what I mean? Like some people are anxious. Some people mad. Others happy. Still others vibrate at joyous as their normal. And didn’t you begin this experiment for your hands? How is this helping your physical symptoms?

    • Oh, the things I went in for were handled pretty much immediately. Hands, arms… with regular visits, they absorb the extra work without kneejerking it into carpal tunnel stress. Piece a’cake. The PTSD that kicked in when I would think of going to St. Louis, gone.

      Now, I feel exactly as I want to feel, open and empty, curious, not pre-loaded with a bunch of bullshit software I don’t need. I am Linux now, when before I was creeping dangerously close to Windows.

    • And true. I find this process to be exactly like cleaning a cluttered hard drive or removing noise from signal. It isn’t personal, so much as practical. But I can see what Zen teaching means when it advises us not to accumulate. It’s simpler to stay simple, rather than have to battle one’s way back to the beginning.

  2. Hi Kate! I am here in Tucson too and would love to know the name of the place you go for the acupuncture. I’ve been doing some Shiatsu but have been looking for another avenue of bodywork.
    Thanks!

  3. I’ve had acupuncture, but it has never had any way near the results that you are having. BUT, my mind and soul are receiving astounding influences through reading the growth media that you are putting out through these … thanks again, and again

    • I am a particularly good candidate for the practice; that’s all I can say. Everything about me is right for it, and also of course I have done a lot of work to try to get clear; my shit is all boxed up and by the door. But I need help retraining my flesh, because otherwise it’s the sort of thing where you put out the trash but find it right back inside next time you look.

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