Acupuncture has had a couple of unexpected effects; and one is that I don’t really want to eat meat anymore. This is nice, because as a human I’d like to eat lower on the food chain whenever possible (to make up for Texas of course), but confusing, as I’ve always wanted meat. I didn’t eat a lot of it, but I really liked it when I did. But somehow, when everything started coming off, I just didn’t feel that I need to eat anyone else to live.
It’s a strange feeling, because it’s a profound sort of change, but there was no action taken on the part of my forebrain to arrive at it. I don’t feel emotional or judgy (that’s a Bill word- he once humorously told me that I sounded all “judgy” when I used the words tarnish and patina, as if one was lowly and one was lovely) about it, and I can’t say that I won’t ever eat anyone again, but I can say that I just would really rather not do it as a normal practice.
I ate a fish the other night, and it was delicious, and nourishing, and caught from a farm, but honestly, I didn’t feel that the taste of it on my tongue was worth the taking of a life. I no longer seem to have the film between the two ideas in my mind. When I ordered that fish, I ordered a killing; that is just a simple fact, and facts are not by nature bad or good. (I originally said “I ordered a murder,” but people felt uncomfortable with that. So I changed the words. Does it help?)
I have to decide as an individual where I come down on each decision. And decisions can be made individually, I don’t have to set policies.
It’s just one of the many things have shifted in me. All of them strike me as positive, but many of them could be confusing if I wanted them to be (I don’t) because they are state changes, you know, system rewires.
My bones have shifted in my skin; I look different (even more so than usual, with usual being me looking different every time you look at me) and the bones of my hands are closer together. I weigh less; apparently the things that I was storing in my body had become physical, material; energy will transform to matter, we all know this, and so if that is the case, it can also transform back. It’s not mysterious, but it is beautiful to see. It’s metaphoric, like a Star Trek terramorph, or a religious miracle.
I also arrived, and also without any effort, at the understanding that I will no longer take part in passive-aggressive conversations. If someone has a problem with anything that I say or do, or if they want me to do something for them, or if they have a stored L.O.G. on me (this stands for “List Of Grievances”, which sadly I must tell you many people keep) then they can talk to me about it, and we will resolve it together, and that will be that. If the answer is “we will be happier without each other”, well, sometimes that’s the answer, and we have to accept it. But I now have a zero tolerance for repeats from L.O.G.s.
There isn’t anything I won’t talk about once. And I’ll talk about it considerably more if it’s healthy, or needs deep talking, or if we are family. But silly things, like “That time you said that you stopped eating meat to make up for Texas really offended me!” would be a One and Done.
It isn’t like I have any questions about any of this, again, the changes just seem natural. In a million years, I couldn’t have predicted that this simple, ancient medicine could be so flexible, could merge with my being and simply and easily restore me to factory settings. I can’t get away from the aptness, the rightness, of the imagery of Photoshop, of cleaning an image or a computer drive, separating signal from noise, deleting duplicate or damaged files, sorting like things together, and keeping core programs and the stuff I need to access frequently free from error and disarray.
What I want in life is smallness and lightness, and a giving back, and I could write the sum of my hopes and dreams on a tiny slip of paper and roll it up into an acorn, with room to spare, because all of my dreams have already come true. And that also is just a fact, no more, no less, and I am grateful beyond my ability to express it.