Idle hands no more!

Idle hands, as we all know, are the devil’s playthings, and so it’s best to keep them busy. Handwork is just the ticket. And I can only hammer so much wire in one day. I’ll take a few process shots this week of crowns and such in progress.

I’m excitedly looking forward to delivery of my kit from Subversive Cross-Stitch, a gift ordered for me today by someone who reads the blog and was all Bitch Please! on the Limb of Terror. You know, when people get offended by random things that I say, I’m always sorry, to a point, but I also think at the same time that we must surely have better things to do than constantly take offense at silly things people say. At least this came with a Bitch Please cross-sticth kit. I guess wishes do come true, because I’ve been admiring this kit since December of 2009.

I’ll have to buy my own frame, though, she said, and I’m supposed to think about being a more sensitive person while I stitch it up.

I plan on sewing up not only this but also all manner of things by the pool this summer, a time which I am already dreaming about. It’s been really cold lately here and I’ve had summer on my mind, the way the warmth of the sun sinks down into my bones, the smell of the cactus, the quiet of the city.

Anyway. If the silly things I say offend you, then I have to gently say what I always say; relax. Get a grip. The Internet is very big, and nothing I say matters in the slightest, and I am quite likely to say things like “People should not post horrifying pictures of valuable vintage bracelets clasped within a millimeter of their lives around a swollen arm!”

It’s totally an option (and one that I strongly recommend if you are a sensitive, depressed, or fearful person) to not read my personal journal.

Today, over the Limb of Terror, I heard from amputees, saying that they were deeply hurt because the arm looked amputated, or because someone made a joke that it looked that way, from depressed people, who said it made them more depressed, from people with swollen limbs, saying that I was insensitive about swollen limbs, from people who take crappy photos, saying I was mean to people who take crappy photos, from people who use hairspray, saying that they knew I was insensitive about hair loss (hair loss?) when I said I didn’t like sprayed Helmet Hair, and from people who were teased in high school, who said that I was bringing back the full measure of not only the pain of their adolescence but all other pain they had felt in life as well. I finally just threw up my hands and removed the post.

I’m sure these things are true, and I’m sorry for your lost limbs, your depression, your swollen leg and arm, your photography skills, your hairspray/hair loss, and your tortured adolescence (which I share with you) but seriously. If you can’t cope with the fact that I am only reasonably sorry, and not terribly sorry, about the possibly hilarious Limb of Terror, then you need to take that concern very seriously, and drop my ass cold. Because I can promise you, I’m definitely going to say some other thing that will offend you in the future.

And you owe it to yourself to spend the precious remaining moments of your life with the kind of people who will always be very careful of what they say.

28 thoughts on “Idle hands no more!

  1. Why must you always try to make me over ?
    Take me as I am or let me go
    White lilies never grow on stalks of clover
    Take me as I am or let me go.
    Bob Dylan

    Even with swollen limbs and terrible photography skills I love reading your blog. It’s your blog and your thoughts and your decidedly warped sense of humor.

  2. I’m just glad there are other people out there who are not perfect and accept that they are not perfect and warn others to that effect. I told my not-yet-husband many years ago that I was a bitch and then he went and married me anyway. It’s worked out very well….
    Love the ‘limb of terror’.
    Susan

    • I have taken to simply telling people flat out that I am impossible, but loyal, offensive, but kind and loving, thoughful, yet careless, and that I might say anything, and that is just how it is, and they can take me or leave me. It’s vastly easier when people who need a lot of coddling drop me quickly, instead of deluding themselves into thinking I can save them from anything.

      We should make T-Shirts, “Limb Of Terror”, and we could wear them raking the yard. No one would know, we could say it was our band in college.

      My sons laughed tonight at dinner over me getting into trouble on the Internets.

      Liam asked, “Are they coming for you, then? Coming to the house? If so, I don’t think that we should have to also pay for your social crimes.”

    • Don’t you agree, though? Who gives a flying fuck what I think. I barely do.

      Besides, after everyone else is offended beyond belief, there will still be you, and me, and Dustin, and Susan Denis, and Bill, and about five hundred other people who are the salt of the Earth, and we can laugh and drink and lie, late into the night.

  3. It’s rather beyond me that someone would come read and then take time to record their being offended instead of just going away…..if that unsettled them so, I wonder how they deal with life’s real issues on a day to day basis? Crazy.

    • Really?
      As far as I can tell, people have a lot of time on their hands, and a lot of stored hurts in their heart.

      Such drama.
      I was actually told that I should be more like Neil, and “use my blog for good and not evil.”

      Evil!
      Fo Shizzle!

  4. I LOVE “The Limb of Terror.” I picture all these pathetic people holding very wet and soiled hankies, wandering around being overly senstive. “Liver spots! She talked about liver spots! And I HAVE them! OH! HOW could she be so cruel and insensitive?” I’m sitting here giggling at the overblown importance some people place on a funny, casual post. I had no idea you had such POWER over some people! I’m equally amazed that there are people who actually feel that their “conditions” are so terrible that even the mere mention of them by others sends them into paroxysms(sp?) of mental agony. As long as we’re on this side of the dirt, we’re all doing pretty well and it would be nice if we cultivated senses of humor while we’re here. God knows we all need a good laugh!

  5. In the drama that is my own life, I had no idea that there were people walking around dealing with the trauma of poor photography skills and hair spray overdoses. Bitch, please! I wouldn’t love reading your blog nearly as much if you weren’t expressing yourself so freely. You crack me up! (Oops. Is that somehow offensive to people with cracks?)
    Much love from back east….

  6. I think there must be an army out folks out there who simply live to find offenses wherever they can. It is so easy to be insulted when none is meant. I had a feminist friend who used to get angry whenever a man held a door for her. Once when this happened, she snarled at a guy, “I’m not helpless!” He said, “Okay, then.” and let go of the door causing it to close right on her. Then she got mad about that. I asked her if it wouldn’t be a whole lot more pleasant just to say thank you, and to open a door for a man when she could, but I don’t think she ever got the point.

    I for one, find your blog entertaining and full of the love of life. If I thought you were a mean-spirited person, who only made fun of other people’s misfortunes or circumstances, I wouldn’t read it. I’m glad I got to see the “Limb of Terror” before it came down.

    I look forward to the next great controversy. Maybe you need to start a teapot collection to contain all your tempests.

    Love ya!

    • Limb Of Terror was an excellent classic, and should have been preserved. I just got exasperated and killed it. The Facebook post was salted with sanctimonious comments as well, about how one should be compassionate. Bitch, please!

      I’m glad you break out the popcorn but I do not look forward to the next controversy, they annoy and distract me. At least I got to hear from you, that is a positive event. I think I am going to put Limb Of Terror T-shirts in my web store with no explanation, as my personal stand.

  7. Yeah, the Internets are just like TV, if what you see, hear, feel doesn’t work for you, just turn the channel and move on with life. Sheesh.

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