The Gay Pirate and the Gunfighter

<–YES   NO –>   

Above, A young Wyatt Earp. It’s difficult to imagine how someone that handsome would decide to fight the obvious Hot with the mustache on the right. It’s like Brad Pitt with his Billy Goat Brad beard. Just thinking of sharing a meal (or any type of long-term space) with someone with that amount and length of facial hair is nauseating. It would always have some kind of stuff stuck in it. And none of it would be in any way good to see. Or kiss. As Valerie says, I love a man with a beard, but if he wants to get next to me, it has to be neat.

Earp was a colorful character. Having delved into his history, I like him better than I realized, although there is no doubt that whatever side he was on, he was on it for his own benefit. If he defended a town, it was because it was in his financial interest to do so. When things got too hot, as they eventually did, or he got arrested for a crime, he moved on.

From his Wiki entry (and all the disclaimer that provenance entails) is an account of a collection of debt from a brothel, and a manly standoff on a bridge:

Wyatt angered drovers by acting to repossess an unpaid-for piano in a brothel and forcing the drovers to collect the money to keep the instrument in place. Later, a group of nearly fifty armed drovers gathered in Delano, preparing to “hoorah” Wichita across the river. (“Hoorah” was the Old West term for out-of-control drunken partying). Police and citizens in Wichita assembled to oppose the cowboys. Earp stood in the center of the line of defenders on the bridge from Delano to Wichita and held off the mob of armed men, speaking for the town. Eventually, the cowboys turned and withdrew, peace having been kept without a shot fired or a man killed.

Years later Cairns wrote of Earp: “…He was game to the last ditch and apparently afraid of nothing…”

He rode shotgun (literally) for Wells Fargo stagecoaches carring money and gold, he rode in posses to bring in wanted men, he moved from town to town, as incidents piled up around him, always moving on to the next big thing. He was a detective and tracker, a gambler and lover. I might have wanted to bang him, but I would not want him as the father of my children. As Jerry Hall ruefully said about Mick Jagger, “He wasn’t really a very good husband.” (Of course, as she broke Bryan Ferry’s heart by leaving him to marry Mick, well, my sympathy is limited.)

ANYWAY. I’ve come to the conclusion that Wyatt had better be named Wyatt Earp, so he can channel that manly thing and grow up to hold his own against Jasper, who is apparently a gay pirate (not that there is anything wrong with that) and has fallen head over heels in love with him. The Gay Pirate Jasper alternates between sniffing Wyatt’s butt in deep, lingering, loving draughts that leave him drunkenly reeling, mouth open, and, making strange birdlike noises, trying to mount him, and bite him by the scruff of the neck. Sigh. Of all of the things I could have predicted, this was the last. Both cats are neutered. Bill will be less than impressed with this development. Hopefully it’s just a crush. And hopefully soon he will stop making those chirps and squeaks of longing.

Wyatt is like, WTF?

Of course he is extremely attractive, no doubt about it. Anyone would lose their head over him. I’ll have to get him a little sidearm.


10 thoughts on “The Gay Pirate and the Gunfighter

  1. As a side note, Wyatt Earp lived to be 80, which is hella long for his demographic, and met and inspired a young John Wayne, who helped form the man-brain of my father, so in a strange way I am intimately connected to the idea of Wyatt Earp.

    I never really thought too much about him before, I must admit. But it explains a great deal.

  2. Ha haha, Jasper is a true pirate, willing to rape and plunder indiscriminately. All animals do that; the recipient just has to learn to say “no.” Driving in cow country is an education for kids. Lots of love in the fields but no bull.
    And yes, what is with men and their weird facial stuff? Or their weird ideas of looking good? Why do we worry about looking attractive and they think a fancy buckle under their big belly and a dually truck with double aerials is the epitome of sexiness?

    • Mmm, a dualie….HOT.

      And yes, sexual opportunism is to be admired. It’s just that chirping noise, it is SO UNMANLY.

      And to think, just recently he was strutting around like a prince of the realm, because he had notched his belt with a mouse kill, and been knighted by Bill.

      Now he is simpering like a maiden aunt.

      Apparently he just wants to Sing. (Monty Python reference.) Sing, and smell Wyatt’s butt, with deep, loving draughts.

  3. Being from Wichita, I love thinking about the wild days of Old Cowtown. Delano, after years of being kind of a nothing area, is revived with fun independent shops and restaurants. There is a particularly good knitting shop and Hat Man Jack’s hat shop (real hats, cowboy, boaters and Sunday-go-to-meeting hats).

  4. Kate – There’s a nice piece about Bill Hartmann on the front page of today’s Arizona Daily Star (Tucson), just below the fold.

  5. Also, the excellentness of Wyatt abides in the mucisian Robert Wyatt, as well…
    And, never fear, There Will Be Hairballs…

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