perhaps

Looking at our ten-day weather forecast makes me high, makes me have to look away before I pass out. I hate forecasts, because they can’t be relied on. I feel like a mark every time I look at one, or worse yet count on it. This isn’t a criticism of the NWS or weather science, it’s a comment on counting on things that change to stay the same. Having said that, and despite the current rather cold gloom outside, it looks in sum fantastic, very propituous for merriment. I’m cautiously optimistic, I can see us in the garden, laughing, not freezing, I can taste the wine on my tongue.

woods and undergrowth, van gogh

Woods and Undergrowth, van Gogh

I feel very strange in general these days. I have distractingly strong feelings about people and things. Some people annoy me so deeply and profoundly that I only hope, Tom Wolfe-style, to outlive them so that I can enjoy a few years on this Earth without them, some people I can’t seem to get next to no matter  how much I love them. I long for my lover and my sons, and I loathe the conservative Midwest with a deep, abiding kind of aversion that will never go away, a dichotomy that makes me want to cry to heaven, except I don’t believe in heaven. I hate to be indoors unless I know I can go outdoors at any second. I don’t want to be in love unless I know I am free to go. Locked doors make me want to attack.

This wildness inside me is not, I think, something everyone could bear to have inside them. I fill like a vessel when I think of the people who love me so hard and don’t need to keep me in boxes, for the desert, which can, like a forest or an ocean, absorb and reflect as much joy or sorrow as I can witch up.

This looks like a nice keyboard, doesn’t it? I have painting and music and French on my 2013 list. And two books. Am I overdreaming?


11 thoughts on “perhaps

  1. I hadn’t seen that Van Gogh before either, very beautiful. I love the depth… you can have all the projects you want, if you do not try to have them all finished by yesterday ;) and being optimistic is something so many do not even try to be, that I only can applaud. for the same price you could be thinking the negative way, ‘what if it rains’ and the universe would just listen to that ‘non-wish’ and create it for you. some say things become thoughts. even if your optimistic thought would not come true, at least you are not wasting the present with negativity… Je bois à votre santé, Madame…

  2. Music on your list? With your determination, strong hands, memory, and intellect (and not necessarily in that order) I predict you’ll be able to go from zero to onstage with your new guitar in less than 6 months. Not Jimmy Page, but armed with enough chords and scales to be dangerous. Just think of the clothes…oh, and the ecstasy of playing.

      • What I meant was that you’d be able to play with others in no time, if that was what you wanted to do. Playing in a groove is finding that sweet spot where everything in the universe gels all at once–as if each player is riding in a parallel/simultaneous slipstream, with intention as the lead object.

  3. This is a fantastic Van Gogh, one I, too, had never seen. If I could paint, and I’d love to try, I would attempt something just that green. Outside! It is hard to stay away from the forecasts when you have big outside plans, but your party is going to be wonderful no matter what happens with the weather. 50 people all huddled in a kitchen is still the best, with wine, of course.

  4. Where did you find that Van Gogh beauty? I look forward to seeing some more never before seen by me. Wow! What an amazing serene setting. It is now my close my eyes go to place.
    Thanks!

      • (And I got a mindbendingly kickass poster for my bedroom, black and white, of the Ferryman sitting across from the camera at a little linen-covered table that may or may not be in a hotel room. Which is a powerful image!)

  5. Love this rendition and insight into this song! It’s it amazing how BF is just sort of noodling around and then all of a sudden it falls together. LOVE!

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